The Bad Dream.

Salvador Dali - The Dream

Do you ever have one of those crazy, freaky nightmares where you wake up and you can’t shake it off?  That’s what happened to me yesterday morning.  Usually, if I have a bad dream, I wake up and shrug it off as – oh, it’s only a dream – thank goodness.   This one freaked me out so bad, I wanted to write it down.

Here is my dream:

I was in the courtyard of a group of single story buildings.  It seemed like it was a school of some kind.  I have no idea why or how I got there. 

I had that feeling of accomplishment from completing some task.  I don’t even remember what it was.  I was walking down a courtyard to go home to my son.  For some reason, I suddenly realized I had left him home alone.  I spied his senior tutor.  She asked me where my son was.  I told her I was on my way home to him.  

She looked at me with panic.  Why did I leave him home alone?  Suddenly, my own panic set in.  Why did I leave him home alone?!  I told her I was going straight home to him as soon as I got my keys.  Where were my keys? 

I ran to a second building to look for them.  Somewhere I’d been before.  She followed me, taunting me with talk that I was crazy to have left him by himself.  What was I thinking?  Further panic.  

Closest I could get to the table of pajamas in my dream...

Then, I see pajamas.  I was thinking how much he needed new pajamas.  I stop.  I start looking through lots of pajamas on a display table, all unfolded, loose clothing, in a pile, looking similar to when you dump out a laundry basket.  The senior tutor reminds me that my son is alone again.  Panic again.  Okay, okay.  Where are my keys?  

I check the doorway to the building.  There they are!  In the lock to the door of the building.  I’m removing the keys from the lock, feeling like everything is going in slow motion.  I’m going.  I’m going. 

Around the corner comes the secretary from my son’s school.  She tells me he is on the phone and it’s bad.  He is in tears at home.  

I yell out – “I’m going!  I’ll be right there!” 

Waking from a bad dream...

I realize I’ve shouted this last sentence out loud and this awakes me from the nightmare.

Of course, the whole dream is irrational on every level.  I would not leave him.  I would not stop and look at pajamas when I knew I had left him.  He would not be able to call me.  He’s never used the phone other than to play with the apps.

Let me make something perfectly clear.  NEVER, in my life, have I EVER left my son alone at home.  EVER.  Nor would I.

Why do nightmares do this to us?  Do they really have some meaning?  This is so opposite me, I have no idea why I would dream something like this.

It has struck me that I do need to teach my son how to use and dial a phone.  He does not have this skill.  Maybe that is why I had this dream.  Maybe.

You can be sure that boy is going to be papoosed onto me for the foreseeable future.  There is no way I will leave him alone now.  Poor boy.  He will have to pay the price for mommy’s bad dream.

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About solodialogue

I'm a lawyer and the mom of a 6 year old boy with autism. I work part time and spend the rest driving here and there and everywhere for my son's various therapies. Instead of trying cases, I now play Pac-man and watch SpongeBob. I wear old sweaters and jeans and always, always flat shoes to run after my son. Yeah, it's different but I wouldn't change it for anything. The love of my child is the most powerful, beautiful and rewarding aspect of my life.
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12 Responses to The Bad Dream.

  1. Ugh… that’s a rough one. And no… I can’t guess what a dream like that would mean either. But, there is a bright side… even in your dream you felt panic at not being there when your son needed you. That makes you about a thousand steps ahead of a lot of parents out there. But we already knew that about you… didn’t we?

    Oh.. and no more tacos with chocolate ice cream before bed, Ok? 😉

  2. Flannery says:

    I hate those kinds of dreams, where you wake up in a panic. It feels horrible!

    Maybe your subconscious was trying to remind you to get busy teaching him some of those survival skills, like using the phone, etc. But what a rude way to remind you.

    I hope you have much better dreams tonight, dreams in which your son is making friends and doing well in school…peaceful dreams.

  3. Kara says:

    Is it not enough that we think and worry about them every waking moment? Nightmares are SO not fair. And yep, I think the papoose is the only way to go. Good idea.

  4. bbsmum says:

    I have a recurring nightmare that I’ve lost BB in a crowd., so I can sympathise!

  5. Kelly says:

    I hate dreams like this one. I’ve had horrible dreams about the kids getting kidnapped. Before we actually took custody of the boys, I had dreamed that I forgot them at the store – going from one to three kids instantly…sometimes I still count heads just to make sure I have everyone.

    I can sympathize. Totally hate the feelings these dreams evoke.

  6. eof737 says:

    I’d say you are overwhelmed and feeling locked in by life… but then it could be just a nightmare… 🙂

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