The natural state of motherhood is unselfishness. When you become a mother, you are no longer the center of your own universe. You relinquish that position to your children. Jessica Lange
Isn’t that a true quote though? For me it is. Balance is difficult. Since I was pregnant, the scales have been tipped 110 % to my son. He has been the center of my universe. Everything I’ve done has been for him and for his well-being.
Sometimes, though, I’ve lost sight of taking care of myself. And for that, I have suffered. But, in finding my way back, I’m learning ways to balance. Turning down the dial from martyrdom to unselfish. From all-life-encompassing child care and work to a few moments for myself and a little more work. And now? A lot more work.
This day has been coming since I began this blog in January. It’s been like a showdown with myself. I’ve been engulfed in this self-battle to determine whether I would be able to continue my part-time, stay-at-home, part-time working mom role when the day came to go to trial in the most important case I’ve ever had. I posted about it here.
I had come to terms with the fact that I would have to give up the trial to the hubs and stay with my son. The days between gathering evidence and presenting it to a jury have narrowed. Trial is one week away. And now, for reasons obvious to everyone, I need to be at that trial. I know the case like no one else, and like Paul Newman in The Verdict, I feel it totally in saying, “This is the case. There is no other case. There is no other case.”
Let me explain to you why this is so important to me.
This is not just a “case”. This is about a mother. A mother who loved her only daughter with her very soul. That daughter was suddenly and unexpectedly killed. I cannot give you the details here. When it is all said and done, I will tell you the story. That mom is alone. The child’s father died suddenly many years ago. Fighting for justice for her only child keeps this mother going.
I have fought that fight with this mom for three years now. I have take nearly all the testimony. I have consulted with, directed and provided experts with all the evidence I could gather. I have fought in Court to obtain things the defense would try to hide from me and won. It’s time to walk into the courthouse and allow the jurors to hear the evidence and pray for justice.
Sometimes, you have to stand up for what you believe. And I believe in this mom. And I believe she lost what is most precious to every mom in the world. She lost her heart – her child – and the people who caused that loss will not step up and take responsibility. So, I have to step up and do my best to make it happen. I hope I’m only one quarter as eloquent as Frank Galvin was…
So, there will be some changes on this blog. I am so grateful to each and every one of you who comes here to read. I will not be able to post every day. That does not mean that this blog will not have stories, though. My cohort Jessica, that writes Adventures with Tootles will be taking over on the days I am unable to post (definitely Sunday through Thursday). And lest you think the blog will become any less about Tootles, you’d be wrong. Why?
Because Miss Jessica is moving in with the family for this trial! She will be working her day job and taking over the watching-out-for-Tootles role while I work day and night. Meaning? Part of her huge undertaking includes posting here and visiting and commenting on every one of your blogs as I do. Basically, she’s my understudy and she’ll be taking the lead while I’m away.
Let me warn you. She’s a bit -hmmm- how shall we say, different than I am. She goes by Tootleslady when she comments and I have no idea what she will publish when I’m not looking… [By the way, I assume no responsibility for her posts whatsoever…]
So, while I’m off fighting for justice, there will be a little guy running around with a very special and beloved person in our lives. Someone I trust completely. Someone who is honest and has a heart of gold – you will understand that too when she comes to see and learn about each one of you.
So, we may try changing the reigns sometime this week – switching back and forth- as I relinquish control here and pick up my Court weapons…
So, now you may understand why I’ve been a little lax on Twitter and in getting around to each of you. I’m preparing. And I will do my best, when I get free from Court to visit you all. And, of course, when it is all over, I will have a ton of stories for all of you and will catch up completely.
I’m not gone yet. And even when I am, I’ll still be lurking, and, of course,
I’ll be back…