Anticipating Distance.

Six days and counting!  Last night, I devoted time to opening statement.  While I am excited to finally tell the story I’ve been working on for three years, I’m already feeling isolated.  Yet, it is my job to seek justice.

 I feel like I’m on a glacier and that there is a growing crack between my son and me that will place me on a drifting iceberg headed out to sea.  Yeah, yeah.  I know I’m being melodramatic, but I’m not liking this.  I feel a little bit of distance from him growing each day, different from the day to day, he spends in school, with ABA and other therapies.

He knows he will be staying at home with Jessica instead of going to the office for therapies.  I’m trying to have him look at the good and fun side to all of that.  But the guilty mama part of me is sad that I will not be driving him all the places he is used to going with our regular routine.  I’m sad that I won’t be able to look in the rear view mirror and see those darling cheeks smiling and laughing and repeating the same sentence for the 15th time in a row.

Last night, he fell asleep at about 11 and then at midnight he woke up crying.  Tears rolling down his cheeks, he started yelling out “Green!”  At first, I tried to comfort him and soothe him back to sleep.  Forget it.  He was awake and screaming for a green street sweeper toy.  He does not have the toy.  He wants the toy.  And what do you think I did?  Look, people, I’m tired too.  I’m stressed.  I want to go to sleep.  I promised him the toy.

He still did not go back to sleep.  He wanted to rock in the rocking chair.  No sale.  With my bum knee, I’m not carrying this boy to the rocking chair, braving all the toys, I’d step on – on the way over.  Instead, I held him for about a half hour, wiping away his tears and stroking his hair until the weeping died down and he fell back to sleep.

 I don’t think this was a bad dream.  I think he senses on a subconscious level that things are changing and he is having trouble processing that change is coming.  He can see that iceberg headed out with mommy on it and it disturbs him too.  He just has a different way of expressing it.

I got about 5.5 hours of sleep, night before last.  That’s pretty good.  Yesterday was fairly productive.  Work tonight continues.  I already miss my little boy.  But on I go.  Because I will continue to be with my little boy.   I will comfort and hug him and stroke his hair.  I will protect him with everything I am.  And I will continue to hear his lilting little echolalia which is actually a sweet sound when you think about it.

I know another mother is depending on me.  Her daughter is not with us anymore.  And that story must be told.  I have to be the one to tell it.


About solodialogue

I'm a lawyer and the mom of a 6 year old boy with autism. I work part time and spend the rest driving here and there and everywhere for my son's various therapies. Instead of trying cases, I now play Pac-man and watch SpongeBob. I wear old sweaters and jeans and always, always flat shoes to run after my son. Yeah, it's different but I wouldn't change it for anything. The love of my child is the most powerful, beautiful and rewarding aspect of my life.
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12 Responses to Anticipating Distance.

  1. Flannery says:

    Change is so hard. But it’s a good thing, really. Our kids have to get used to the fact that routines change and can’t always be the same forever. But it doesn’t make it any easier on us. School will be very interesting…and that’s coming up soon, isn’t it?

  2. LuvMyCrzyLife says:

    Huge hugs! My heart aches for both of you, but before long I’m sure you will be back to your usual routines. You are a strong Mama and I believe that bc you are working to help another Mama, God will hold you & your boy close. He will bless you both during this time.

  3. Tessa says:

    Big hugs to you. This trial will not last forever, but justice does.

  4. Real life is no fun sometimes. And neither is 5.5 hours of sleep! Tootles is going to be fine, just remember to take care of yourself too.

  5. Lyne Mor says:

    Justice is a very important principle in life

  6. Danica says:

    **HUGS** I hear your pain and know you still are a good mommy. This is only for a short time and life will go on. This may even be a good thing. He is learning and still growing. At least you know he is trying to process all of this in his way. This is a hard time for you, but you are fighting for a mom who has lost her daughter and I think that is a great thing. You are still there for him when it counts comforting him when he wakes up and loving on him. Look at it as a growing experience for both of you.
    Now I hope that made some sort of sense **laughing**

  7. SoapBird says:

    bless your lil’ hearts….he’s adorable! you’re a good mommy….in the end it will all turn out for the better.

  8. Lizbeth says:

    And I have no doubt you’ll tell her story selflessly.

    Get you’re hugs when you can and know he’s in good hands.

  9. Grace says:

    There will be a time when your son will be proud of you because he will come to understand that you fight for justice for those who need and deserve it.

    Try to get some sleep.

  10. C... says:

    It’s hard to be a mom and work. My son has lately expressed he wants to be home with me and I’ve worked since he was a 6 weeks old. The weeks vacations I took this summer with him gave him a glimpse of what he could have if I was home all week and it’s been a bit tough for him lately to be left at grandmas and watch me leave. He does not cry but he tells me he wants me.

  11. Karla (Mom2MissK) says:

    Sorry to be out of touch this week – I’ve missed you too, my friend.

    You are so very very brave — and I can only imagine that while T does not understand what is happening now, he will some day in the future. And in the future — when he understands why you had to be brave and why you had to make some of the sacrifices you are making — he will know what an amazing woman he has for a mother… And he will be every bit as proud as I am to know you!

  12. eof737 says:

    A lot going on now… do get some rest and trust that Jessica will do her best. Rooting for your success in this very sad case. 🙂

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