Savouring Time.

Sometimes, I take things for granted.  And sometimes, I complain.  I tend to do a lot of this with the seasons.  I felt like summer took forever to get here this year.  Once it did?Summer’s radiating heat, surrounded me from the asphalt beneath my shoes to the thick and stagnant air I had to breathe in the peak of the day.

Held hostage by the demands of work, I missed the point of the season.  The freedom from constraints.  Constraints of heavy clothing and tight shoes.  The freedom of grass between my barefoot toes in damp, cool grass.  Breathing in the sweet night air.  A beautiful sunset.  The sounds of crickets coming in to my ears through an open window, in the late evening.  The smell of a fully blooming rose.

Where did all the carefree splendor of summer go?  It seems it has now left me like swirling water down an irretrievable drain.  I can’t go back and pay more attention.  I can no longer savour the beauty of long days and warm evenings.  It’s all gone.  Lost.  Time that has passed me by.

I must turn around and face forward to autumn.

Thinking of the loss of summer, makes me think of more important things I don’t want to miss.

I don’t want to take these moments of my son’s growth for granted.  I don’t want to complain of his behavior.  Just like summer’s arrival, I feel like it took me forever to have a beautiful child of my own.  Some days, I must just drink in the simple miracle and beauty that is my child.  His innocence.  His sweet smile and small hands that reach out for mine.  His soft cheeks.  The giggles.  The baby kisses.

Changes come faster than you think...

Instead of giving a quick hug and telling him to go play, I hold that hand, give him deep pressure hugs and hundreds of kisses.  We play.  Before I know it, the season of his childhood will only be a memory.  I don’t want to look back and wish I’d done something differently.  Something that was within my control.

This will be our 6th fall together, my beautiful son and I.  He was but four months old when he passed through this season the first time around.  I knew nothing of a diagnosis then.

The miracle of his being has never been lost on me.  I am not a young mom.  Looking at my son, I am blessed with the knowledge that I was lucky enough to be given motherhood.  Not everyone gets in this club.  And as much I as I might complain about how hard it is, I would not change a single minute of it.

Even with all the therapies, the school, the homework, the meals, and baths, there is still a lot of time to play cars and trains and dinosaurs.  There is time to mold Playdoh, ride bikes, read books, tell stories, find the tickle monster, whisper secrets and stare at the moon and the clouds in the sky.

I can still go back and have my childhood all over again with my son.  And in those moments?  Autism is irrelevant.

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About solodialogue

I'm a lawyer and the mom of a 6 year old boy with autism. I work part time and spend the rest driving here and there and everywhere for my son's various therapies. Instead of trying cases, I now play Pac-man and watch SpongeBob. I wear old sweaters and jeans and always, always flat shoes to run after my son. Yeah, it's different but I wouldn't change it for anything. The love of my child is the most powerful, beautiful and rewarding aspect of my life.
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7 Responses to Savouring Time.

  1. Kelly Hafer says:

    Oh, yes. This post reminds me of that song, “Turn, Turn, Turn!” And, of course, since I can turn your beautiful posts into something about me, here goes: It seems like I have spent my entire adult life counting down to some “big” event. Mainly things having to do with my husband – “two more weeks of boot camp”, “ten more weeks of deployment”, “30 more months of sea duty.” I know that I am going to wake up one day when I am eighty (God willing) and realize that I have wished and counted my life away. This is one more poignant reminder to me that I need to stop that. I need to relish whatever I am experiencing at the moment and stop wishing for more.

    This is a difficult thing for me to do, but I have to get a handle on this. Thank you for reminding me to NOT count today away. 🙂

  2. C... says:

    I am like that with my son. I see him first, the autism next and carry around a constant worry for his future and miss him being a smaller child a times.

  3. Lana Rush says:

    As a mom of an about to be 18 year old, I can certainly attest to the fact that time goes by so fast! Everyone says it, but it’s true. And at times, I didn’t believe them. But I do now! It’s so important to live in the moment, to capture all the time with your children that you can. This time next year, my oldest will be gone from my home and while she will always be welcome, she will never “live” in our house the same way again. Yikes! Hug those babies, mamas!

    And I’m a quote collector so here’s one for all of us:
    “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.” Annie Dillard

  4. Flannery says:

    It’s amazing how many opposing thoughts and feelings we carry around…impatient for my child to grow and learn new things, melancholy about how big he’s getting, and missing that baby. I love this season, because the weather is more comfortable for us to do more activities outside. Each year I look forward to the pumpkin patch. Those have been some great memories. I love your “pumpkin’s” photo, so sweet.

    If only all the the other commitments that take our attention could be put on hold, so we could spend more time in the here and now. If only…

  5. Teresa says:

    What a lovely reminder to seize the day.
    Carpe Diem!

  6. ElizOF says:

    This is so touching and beautiful… said like a loving mother with memories attached. The pictures… you look like a teen; so young. We must enjoy the moments as they fade away… I smiled over your summer comments. I do the same and then I wonder how quickly it all ended… Be blessed! 🙂

  7. Amanda says:

    Well said. I often wish I could go back and redo this.

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