Weekend Archives: “Who Should I Tell That My Son Has Autism?”

The funny thing about reading old posts is that I can see that my son is not the only one who has grown and changed.  I have too.  Things that used to concern me within the first year we received the diagnosis, don’t really affect me anymore.  

When I originally wrote this post, I was lost in the huge sea of what autism was to our lives.  The sea is just as huge today.  I just found the right spot to swim in for now.  My son is stronger and, because of that so am I.  

My parents still have never heard of autism, and who cares?  They love their grandson and that is all that matters.  I still struggle with which strangers I should tell but that struggle is trifling.  And most of the time, I freely tell people my son has autism. I care less what other people think and more about whether the behavior hurts anyone.  If it doesn’t, then it’s their problem.  Happy Weekend Everyone!!]

When I started this blog on January 21st of this year, I had some lofty goals.  I was going to change the world.  I’d write about my son’s condition and people would listen.  They would learn about autism.  They would change the way they perceived autistic children and their parents.  People would come and read and pass on the story and the word could be spread, little by little.  Still my goal.  It’s just going to take some time.

And so for 24 days so far, I have torn off a tiny, little bit of my life with my son here and exposed it for what it’s worth.  I’ve opened this forum to others to tell you about it. When I started this blog, some people knew about my son’s diagnosis and some did not.

We received the diagnosis in April 2010, so it had been nine months since we were pronounced an “autistic” family when I opened the door to my life and let everyone in.  Funny thing about opening that door.  Not everyone came in.  Everyone has reacted differently.

Some of the reactions have been amazingly strong and supportive.  Some have been lukewarm.  Some of them took a long time to come forward.  Some people who used to freely converse with me have now come to completely ignore and avoid me.

My husband and I were initially frightened by the diagnosis.  We did not understand what the diagnosis meant for our son’s future, let alone what autism really was.  Our journey to getting the diagnosis was just the first step toward an understanding of where life was taking us.  We were not ready to let others travel this road with us.

We did not tell any immediate family members of the diagnosis when we first received it.  We were busy processing it ourselves.  None of our immediate family (aside from my parents) live closer than 100 miles away. We did not want them to be confused or upset by the news.  We did not tell our parents who are in their late 70s.  We did not want to burden them with worry over their only grandson.  There is also our concern over whether they can comprehend the diagnosis.  Even if they are completely understanding, the issue of elderly parents spending time worrying about their grandson keeps both my husband and I from openly sharing this information.

As time has passed, we have loosened our reigns on this information. First, out of necessity.  I had this huge new change to my life and it was starting to consume my time.  I could not work like I used to because I had appointments for evaluations and tests, therapies, and school district meetings.  Explanations had to be made.  Different people started showing up and spending time with my son.  Their presence had to be explained and acknowledged.   These were the first disclosures.

The rest of the disclosures came little by little.  First, with friends who spent time with my son or me.  Then, we told acquaintances we see on a regular basis, such as the coffee shop where I get tea every day.  These were relatively easy and surprisingly, supportive and non-judgmental.  Most of these people start their responses with telling me they know people who have children with autism.  Autism is far more common than you would think.  1 in 110 children with boys at 1 in 70.

I don’t think there has been a parent who hasn’t wondered about who and how to tell about the diagnosis.  I’m no different.  I wonder whether I am doing the right thing saying something or not.  Some of the more uncomfortable disclosures have come when I wanted to sign him up for classes. I had to tell complete strangers that I would need an aide in the class.  That was not easy.  The people at the gym class have been wonderful, open and welcoming.  Again, they already had experience with an ASD child.

The whole question of who to tell or not to tell has nothing to do with shame.  It has to do with reactions.  Some people react with enormous support and understanding.  But, I’ve also dealt with ignorance, anger, fear, shunning and indifference.

I have received denials of my son’s diagnosis as well.  These people may have thought they were helping me my saying that my son is fine and the doctors don’t know what they are talking about. (Yes, this happened).  I have been told that my son just needs to be in school, with other kids and he will be fine.  The people telling me this mean well, but they simply do not understand that my son has a physiological disorder that originates in his brain.  Autism affects behavior – behaviors are not all autism.

I don’t want pity.  I don’t want denial.  I want my friends to be my friends, to listen and to talk to me about it once in a while.   Is that asking too much?  Sometimes, I feel like people have the wrong idea that I’m trying to raise money, I’m complaining that I have a hard life, or that I’m preaching.  None of those things is true.

I don’t have a hard life.  I don’t want to raise money, and I don’t want to convert anyone to advocate for autism.  I am sharing my life with my son just to give awareness of what autism is really like and how our days are affected.

Someday, someone you know may tell you they think their child is not developing normally.  They may tell you some of the symptoms that you have recognized here.  You may be told by someone that he/she has just found out their child or their loved one is one of the statistics.  And then, just maybe, empowered by knowledge, you’ll know just what to say.  And that someone will thank you.  And so do I.

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About solodialogue

I'm a lawyer and the mom of a 6 year old boy with autism. I work part time and spend the rest driving here and there and everywhere for my son's various therapies. Instead of trying cases, I now play Pac-man and watch SpongeBob. I wear old sweaters and jeans and always, always flat shoes to run after my son. Yeah, it's different but I wouldn't change it for anything. The love of my child is the most powerful, beautiful and rewarding aspect of my life.
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2 Responses to Weekend Archives: “Who Should I Tell That My Son Has Autism?”

  1. eof737 says:

    Karen,
    You have been a beacon of light and hope with your daily blog posts on Tootles and your journey with autism. I believe you have touched more people than would admit it … You touched me and I have learned so much about this journey from you. It has not been an easy one; you have written openly and honestly about the challenges as well as the successes, and for that, I applaud you… Kudos!

  2. Kelly Hafer says:

    I definitely echo what the above commentator has stated. Your blog has been a wonderful wealth of resources – both for autie parents and “civilians”, a dose of humor and a “beacon of…hope.”

    I’ve struggled with the question of Who to Tell quite often. Like living with autism itself, there isn’t a cut and dry solution, is there. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier (on me) if there was just a simple, easy-to-follow rule book. (haha)

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