Inside Looking Out.

We look inside the tiny car or house.  My son wishes he could go inside just like I did when I was his age.  There was always something magical in those little miniature replicas of grown up life.

I have my own wishes.

I wish I could go inside my son’s mind and look out through his eyes with his thoughts.  To see what he sees.  To understand the world the way he does.

To understand the pain that comes with the touch of the water that is too warm on my skin;  

The pain that would come when I would hear the words “choo-choo”, “moo” or “Mmmmm”;

To understand how hard the struggle feels when I cannot speak the words I need to say;

To understand the sensation or lack of sensation when I touch my lips with my hand, or rub a soft blanket or towel against my mouth over and over again;

To know how it feels not to understand where, or how far away, my body parts are in relation to each other, to objects, and things in space;

To have my arms brushed, to swing in the dark fabric, my body covered in darkness;

To understand the joy of crashing in a beanbag chair or into a wall;

To feel the fear and frustration of not being able to use my tongue to lick or to smack my lips to remove food;

To understand the disorganization in my mind when something spills or falls on the floor;

To know the intensity of interest and focus on every aspect of one thing to the exclusion of all other information from my senses;

To have the easy fluidity to read and spell without thinking, like I breathe;

To see the colors radiating from numbers but not be able to explain it to anyone else;

To notice the detail in objects far away but miss the things up close;

To hear the music and feel the beauty in the beat of white noise; or

To be overcome by such happiness and excitement that I must let it out through movement of my body from screaming out to dancing on my tiptoes.

In looking through those big and beautiful eyes at the world, just maybe I would find more patience, respect, appreciation, empathy and realization about my little boy.  Maybe I would find a better way to help promote growth, independence, self-confidence and communication in him.

Just maybe I could wipe away the fog from the window between us, and he could better see how much I love him.

Because I do.


About solodialogue

I'm a lawyer and the mom of a 6 year old boy with autism. I work part time and spend the rest driving here and there and everywhere for my son's various therapies. Instead of trying cases, I now play Pac-man and watch SpongeBob. I wear old sweaters and jeans and always, always flat shoes to run after my son. Yeah, it's different but I wouldn't change it for anything. The love of my child is the most powerful, beautiful and rewarding aspect of my life.
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17 Responses to Inside Looking Out.

  1. blogginglily says:

    I wish I understood too. I really really do.

  2. Kelly Hafer says:

    Yes. This. “Just maybe I could wipe away the fog from the window between us, and he could better see how much I love him.”

    T is my joy; he is my despair. He is the reason I can never die. And, yet, he looks though me. He literally hates my kisses. He would willingly go live with any other family or person in the world, so tenuous is our bond. He is the reason why I need a mental health vacation.


    • solodialogue says:

      What?! You have told so many stories through your blog that show me how much little T loves you that I do NOT for one second believe this… He might not like the “kisses” but that is the sensation – not the emotion that goes with them. I know – in my soul – that he LOVES you and I cannot wait for the day you tell me you are eating these words. Don’t worry – I’ll be waiting. xoxo

      • Kelly says:

        Haha…the problem is that he will do the same with everyone. Douchey old landlord, grocery store checkout girl, pizza delivery people…they are all treated to Ted scripting “I love you, Good-bye!” Or, “My go your house now?”

        It tends to take away a little of the emotional satisfaction. Little monkey!

  3. Of all the blogs I read, I find it difficult to imagine *you* needing *more* “patience, respect, appreciation, empathy and realization about my little boy.” You spend so much effort and energy understanding him and every post you write shows your patience, respect, appreciation and empathy. Just the fact that you wrote this post shows more understanding than many parents have for their children – special needs or not!

  4. Lana Rush says:

    Karen – This says exactly what so many of us parents feel about our kiddos. And it’s exactly this kind of emotion that bonds all of us together in such a special way. While I wish autism had never entered our home, I will never regret the people (such as yourself!) who have come into my life as a result of it. xoxo

  5. JT says:

    I just wanted to let you know that your son is incredible and that you are a wonderful Mother to him. You might never be able to fully understand how he sees the world but the one thing for sure, both you and him will know how much love there is in your family!

    • solodialogue says:

      Thank you JT. Your words mean a lot to me. You have been rowing your boat in the same waters for a while, and I appreciate you stopping in here to share those words with this post. ❤

  6. þorgerður says:

    Greetings just stopped by… love the atmosphere around here 🙂

  7. Jennie B says:

    This is really lovely. I cannot count how many times I’ve wanted to be able to see the world as my son does, to know what he knows, and understand what he understands.

  8. He knows, my friend. One of these days he’ll tell you all about it, and it will all be worth it.

  9. eof737 says:

    Aw, this is heart-wrenching beautiful… You are a master with words… One day Tootles will tell you all you imagined and more. 🙂

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