I have to admit that I debated whether to post about what I’m feeling right now. After all, I’m not proud of it. But, I can think about nothing else and so there is no use trying to fight it.
I’m scared. Truly, abnormally, freaking-out-inside, scared over something I cannot control and really should not fear. Logically, and intellectually there is no reason to be as afraid as I am. Nevertheless, here it is.
My son is having general anesthesia, for the first time, when he finally undergoes an MRI of his brain on Monday. You see? I told you it was not a logical fear.
Because my son’s EEG was abnormal (evidencing sleeping seizures), it is standard procedure for him to undergo the MRI to rule out any physiological reason. This is our third scheduling of the procedure as the first two scheduled dates found him with a virus and I did not want him to have anesthesia under those conditions. The MRI is to rule out any gross anatomical structural abnormalities, like a tumor. So, I guess what I really fear is both the anesthesia and the possible findings.
I know anesthesia is safe. My son has asthma. I’m a lawyer. I’ve seen a lot of screw ups in my day. But logically, I know the overwhelming odds are that he will be just fine. That doesn’t help. I still worry about what they are giving him, how he will react, whether it will make him sick or unable to breathe, etc… So there is illogical fear number one.
I’m also afraid the MRI will reveal some physiological problem. In his book, our pediatric neurologist writes, “The finding of abnormal EEG in the ASD population almost never has a structural abnormality of the brain morphology on magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) scans obtained after the EEG is performed.” So, it is highly unlikely anything abnormal will be found on this MRI. But there is that ugly world “almost”. That word scares the bejebbies out of me. Illogical fear number two.
I know it is my job to remain calm when we go in and I know it’s not about me. I know I have to hold him and comfort him when they give him the IV and sedate him for the procedure. Goodness, I know many of my bloggy friends’ children have undergone actual operative procedures under general anesthesia and have done just fine. This clear and factual information does not quell my fear. I just cannot stop the feeling in the pit of my stomach. My heart is racing and my mind will not rest.
I don’t want him to freak him out being over or under prepared for it. I’ve done a little bit of preparation with minimal details. I’ve told him we are going somewhere where he will get a little needle and take a nap, and that mommy and daddy will right there when he wakes up. He seems unimpressed and unconcerned.
Now, if only I could be… Any suggestions?